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Broken WingsBroken:destroyed or badly hurt by adversity or grief; Wings:a means of flight or ascent; "necessity lends wings to inspiration" 12 december falling upSo.......
I am apparently going to be staying in Yorkton for a little while.... Im SLOWLY. I repeat SLOWLY accepting that it is Yorkton I see every morning, when I get in my hurting car, and drive to my new favorite job... Its not all bad.. But I still get the urge to fly away quite often.. I will never stop dreaming of all the places I could be, or imagining the people I could meet...If I wasnt sitting here..... for now....
I dont HATE yorkton.. I just hate that I cant go outside without feeling... Known.
But the truth is that there are very few people who even have a fucking clue about who I am...here...
Not Who I really am.
And I dont really care if they do... But feeling alienated gets old..
Its starting to really scare me.
Its not normal for me to always feel hated. By everyone.
I cant stand it any more..
Its just that right now... Everything is perfect... ((i love my house. my roomate. my boyfriend. my friends. my job. ))BBUT the way I feel... HERE. Its just how it is... I am forcing myself to stay here. I want to fly away every second I spend here. I dont know how to not feel scared here. Not scared... just.. misjudged.. I hate how people see me here. plain and simple. It breaks ME.
Its just that its a million times worse in Yorkton... Because of how FUCKING RETARDED HIGHSCHOOL WAS. I was never a bad girl. Ive probably written this a million times on here. I just want to say fuck you to anyone I went to highschool with, that looked at me and thought that I was easy. I was probably one of the TIGHTEST BITCHES in this dirty fucking town... I never gave it away. And I never will.
Im over it... Highschool. I really am... But my point about all of this is that...
Because of how mean girls were to me here.. Because of all of the un-asked-for-un-deserved-drama-bullshit that I dealt with... Because people like to run their mouths off when they are 16/17, because of their own pathetic un-identity and total lack of values... I feel ashamed when I go outside. I do. I feel crazy. I feel so naked... Like everyone that even glances at me has heard something. Like every one still sees something so OFF... so far from what and who I really am..
Im broken.
And im not sure if I can ever trust again.
I have a new boyfriend too..
He's amazing. We have to much in common.. we are always laughing, and smiling.. and he isnt afraid to be himself... He has the same values that I hold, and isnt closed minded... He is one of the biggest sweethearts ive ever met.
He's already made me cry happy tears.
And I am scared..
of course I am.
I just hope I dont fuck up this one by DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE MYSELF, AND BE OPEN AND OVERLY HONEST ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING....And end up scaring him away. Maybe I really am hard to love.
I hope he can handle it.
blah.
Random.. but I miss my old car. alot.
I miss Kayla, and Ash, Elyssa, Kirstyn, Amanda, Chasity, Melissa, Ashley... Marissa(L), Riley, and Gerson, and Kendal, and Kyle, and Jesse, and Sheldean, and Tara, and Sarnjeet... I miss my brother and my Dad, my sister and my Niece alot too.
There are so many of you out there, that I think about every day...
I am not nearly as far along as I would like to be right now... but someday I will chase and catch all of my dreams.. Not to show those who cant see me who I really am, and how much I really am worth, how smart I actually am... But because of the many, but few in the big picture; who gave me a real chance and accepted me, and saw past the easily stereo-typeable surface my heart hides under.
I love those of you who know me.
My wings will never break for long,
as long as I have the ones I love
They will surely mend.
Until next time... And until I am ready to fly away... for good... Im here in Yorkton trying to conquer it for the last time...
.We all fall down.
I can do this.
*cant wait to get my next tattoo.. *
Chareena.Rae.
21 augustus fack.I think that things get better....
Just so they can fall apart.
SO CONFUSED.
Do i run.... or do i stay?
Stay unhappy for some days....
Get up? or stay down...
Move forward...
or back somehow.
Stupid crossroads.... dead ends... construction sites... whatever you want to call it...
they happen to everyone...
Those decision making moments...
that follow something crashing to the ground.
Right when i think i have everything almost figured out...
And NOW i get to make a fucking choice.
God dammnit.
Yorkton is getting sooooooooooooooo OLD.
Ive got way too many memories tugging me in their direction....
And way too many fears to ever weigh the pros and cons....
I dont want to wait too long to decide....
because if i do that again....
Somehow ill just fall...
Id rather jump.
and be ready to fly.
I dont know where im going....
I just know why.
This faze is burning out.. this stage in my life....
Im back to 2 week thinking.....
My god damn bubble popped.
I dont feel so hidden anymore.... Cant really be a hermit.... when you are planning an escape.
I want to be independent and strong through this...
so someone bitch slap me and tell me to turn around if i take the easy road.
(like i ever do that......)
really though..
usually the easy road turns out to be a million and one crossroad bullshit fuck ups and i just dont have enough fuel to evn DEAL with a wrong turn.
I miss everyone so much.....
This probably wont make any sense.....
but its ok. im sure ill have an "internet faze" coming up here pretty quick...
its about fuckin time.
I think im finally leaving yorkton.
It wasnt that bad of a pit stop...
here we go....................... 23 oktober Autumn SkyWhat exactly is it that I am searching for...
Why do I chase clouds when im looking for a sun
Im confused if there is any point in trying ever.. I mean really... The love that I desire... would be AMAZING from the start
There would be no storms or dark and rainy days...
Because the love of my life will not come with an autumn sky
instead it will be cast down in a beautiful ray of light- breaking through the clouds, on a beautiful winters morning
And once I have this love-
The day will not seem so cold
The skys will not look so dark and empty
And the rain will never fall from my cheeks again.
(L) 12 oktober 20So.. kind of late to do a bd blog, as it ended about 3 hours ago....
But i just really wanted to get this out.
Im sick of letting shit get to me...
im sick of holding back..
most people grow up when they are 20.
but i guess im saying that im backwards baby.
Before... i couldnt just go out and have fun, without worrying about SOMETHING...
i wasnt really partying, and i was always so afraid of what people would think, that i took it VERY easy compared to some ppl.
Im not saying that i want to turn into a huge alcoholic, and party the entire next year away.
But i want to say yes more often, go with the flow for a while, see where it takes me. Instead of analyzing every little
thing.
I want to live.
i want to reallly breathe.
live for the moment
slow my brain the fuck down and enjoy every crazy fucking second
i want to be on another level and love it.
For reals.
blahhhhh sooooo passing out. 03 oktober YesterdaysNight time always comes.
I wake with each morning
And each time I do
My eyes open to a new world
My yesterday
is mine alone...
Never changed
Never grown
It replays like a black and white movie-
An inspiration for tonights dreams
And todays regrets..
Morning comes with Mourning-
For each smile i felt move across yesterdays face
But by the time darkness falls with the sun
The wind will have swept up more smiles for me to chase.
It is the tears that no longer burn on my cheek-
That somehow become the dew lying on todays grass
And like each smile- the sun will slowly dry them up
Leaving me no choice but to cry again...
I will wake with dry eyes
Dream with a broken heart
Smile without yesterdays
Cry without tomorrows.
But I will not cry for yesterday
Smile without tomorrows
Be broken without dreams
Or wake without morning's dew.
???????????????????????????????
I am not of this world...
I am of this moment
This emotion.
This energy.
Each thought.
But I am not of time...
Time ends with no beginning
But my emotions come and go as if they are more alive then anything I can see
My heart beats stronger when I believe this is a dream
.....
Because it breaks to the contrary
There are so many things about this world... that i will never understand.
I do not hate-
but the pain i see in others' eyes.
When I decide I don't want to be a part of it any more...
That in closing my eyes i would be awake...
It is in remembering
That there are people who see the pain in mine
And that i cannot warm their hearts, if mine is cold..
I really dont care... what i become in this world.
Its not about goals to me.
Its not even about toughing it out, so not as to hurt others...
The party would go on without me...
And even though its fun..
When you realize everyone is really just escaping this world, one drink at a time...one pill.. one drag.. one line
You have to ask yourself.
Is it in living which we desire an end-
Or is it in dying, that we find a way to live.
Does that make any fucking sense? ahhhhhhhhh
I would never say goodbye to tomorrow
because of today.
I wish it was because I was scared
Or because I wasnt that selfish
or because of the love I have for so many people
And the tears i wouldnt want them to cry.
But its none of those reasons.
They really wouldnt stop me.
Its as simple as... It would bug the shit out of me... Not knowing what could have been.
And knowing that each theoretical "day" afterwards....
Would always be a yesterday.
And i hate yesterdays. Until today.
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